Be Informed & Fight Post-Partum Depression..

Sabiha says, “You might find this strange as you read, believe me. I was in shock top!

The Struggle

Like most of the women I had post-partum blues in the first pregnancy and it also repeated in my second one too. After a few days it seemed like, my hormones had stopped their whirlwind and with the experience of handling my first born and over confidence of being a multitasker I decided go back to Bangalore where we stayed then. My husband was at the hospital all the time and could only be back late.

With a gap of hardly 2 years I had two super clingy babies. If one cried other made it their business to wail even harder. It got too overwhelming.

I kept blaming it on the dull, rain and dark climate, and consoled myself it was just seasonal affective disorder.

I slowly realised I was sad all the time. Nights gave me very bad panic attacks. I used to get hardly 4 hours sleep and had a new born who successfully foiled those 4 hrs too.

When I used to get cranky,my mother would in turn avoid talking to me, she needs time, she thought.

And then it started.. HATING MY DAUGHTER

I didn’t know why but my elder daughter repelled me. I used to get profusely angry when she didn’t eat, when she pooped, even when she wanted me to console her. I didn’t want her near me. I wasn’t being particularly lovable to my newborn son also. I was just fulfilling their needs – food, bath, poop that’s it.

Tears would just keep rolling, I wouldn’t even know. I would shout and cry at times, this in turn would frighten my kids and they cried.

I searched all over internet, could this be possible?
Hating one kid for the birth of another?

One day I found a blog where a mom somewhere in the US faced the same and she was distant to her elder child for 6 years!

It shook me!

I finally broke down before my husband and at first, he didn’t take it well. For him I was being unreasonable, I was just acting out my arrogance.
He was in denial, he always thought I was a strong-minded person and it’s impossible for me to get depressed.

I was sceptical to tell all my feelings to anyone, not even my mom.

I always supported feminism and hating my daughter after the birth of a son, felt like my whole ideals were shattered.

Reading that a mom was distant to her girl for 6 years was frightening, I didn’t want to do the same to my kid!

I had to figure a way out!

I tried to find out what could be the cause of my Post Partum Depression (PPD).

Then came the word I hated the most Discrimination.

From my childhood I always faced it, day in and out. People always wanted my parents to keep trying to have a son (we are all girls by the way). It hurt my feelings when mom put a sad face when someone asked her why she has no son. I worked day and night to prove that I was more than enough than a boy, one of the reasons to become a doctor as well.

I was discriminated for having an opinion in my graduate days. Apparently, you always need to keep your mouth shut and head low, that’s how women are supposed to be!

No matter how educated I was, Dowry was a must.

A guy way under qualified than me wanted my dad to pay for HIS education to marry me!

And I had this moron who came home and started talking business He wanted me to forget about my house and wanted my dad to give his hospital and also wanted 1 crore Dowry.
I showed him the door.

And then there were people who even tried polluting my to-be husband’s mind saying ‘she’s a strong-minded person, she will fight throughout life.

A few alliances even backed off because, as my mom had 3 girls, I will bear girls too.
And trust me all of them were doctors!
It always stung me that I wasn’t even treated as human with emotions.

And after my first one was born this is what I heard the most ‘Oh! You have a girl too?? Just like your mom!’
And there was a fear that my husband and his family will resent me for having another girl.

When I was kissing my baby one day, an old relative of theirs comes and tells me ‘Don’t show much affection to your girl, the next one will be a girl too.’
That’s how backward our society is, a girl child doesn’t even deserve a mom’s affection.

I realised that this discrimination is what caused all this surge of emotions and hate towards my daughter!

The Recovery

I hated looking at my reflection in the mirror. Stress eating and obesity were my new friends.

One day. I just couldn’t take it and locked myself in the room unable to tolerate the cries and hues of my kids.

Quitting seemed easy, why don’t I just run away?? But after a good cry, I realised it was time I stopped trying to be a superhero and intervened.

I immediately went to my parents’ place; my mom was angry that I was covering up my incapabilities of being a mother with the disguise of PPD.

Surprisingly help came in the form of my Dad, who understood my condition and gave me some space and took care of my kids and did everything in his capacity to help me heal.

I spoke to a couple of psychiatrist friends and took their advice. Took medications to sleep. Started speaking to my friends about what I was facing, and they were supportive as well.
International Facebook support group (didn’t find an Indian group) was helpful and made me realise I wasn’t alone.

I did whatever made me happy!
And started making an effort to bond properly with my daughter.
The mom guilt killed me for having such feelings towards her in the first place.

I actually saw her happy and laughing genuinely one day and it dawned on me that my behaviour had taken out happiness out of my little one’s life too.

That scene is something that keeps me going whenever I feel low.

A kid truly needs a happy mother, doesn’t care anything else, loves you for you.

Isn’t that what I wanted??
Someone to love me for who I am!

It doesn’t go away in a day. It requires daily efforts from ourselves first.There will be ups and downs.

I won’t say I’m healed completely. I need more time.
But I sure am doing a lot better and my kid doesn’t scare away from looking at me. My daughter keeps giving me random hugs and kisses.

For now, I want to thank my husband for accepting me for who I am!
It takes a REAL man to marry a strong woman.

When it was this tough, as a doctor for me, I wonder how tough it is for fellow moms.

I was able to diagnose my condition thanks to someone who wrote about it otherwise I would have suffered longer.

That’s the very reason to start the #PPDINDIA Initiative in the first place.

Speak up and get help, only you will understand what you are going through.
Burn the stigma!! “

Show some love and share it with others so that it reaches the right person.

Read more such inspiring stories here.

If you have a story which you would like to share or you know someone who has battled depression and can inspire others, I am all ears and ready to ink it.